White liberal thoughts on racism

I'm extremely white and extremely liberal. From a very young age, I was told by my dad that skin colour and religion are both accidents of birth so we shouldn't judge people by those criteria but by the people they grew into.

In 1985 when I went on a Florida vacation, I was also as naive as a middle class girl, raised in a mostly white community can be. We stayed at my hubby's nana's home in Daytona Beach and, being extremely white, I chose to head to Volusia Mall to see a movie rather than spending the day at the beach with my mom-in-law and sis-in-law. I took the bus. It was an easy ride as it was one bus to the mall and one home but when I was heading home, I couldn't remember the number. There were a lot of people at the bus stop at the mall so I chose three lovely older women to approach with my questions. They asked me where I was from and I laughed and asked if I had a Canadian accent. They also laughed and said "No, if you were from here, you'd have asked those white girls"

The women were going on the bus I needed and they offered to show me my stop. We rode together and had a great time talking.

When I returned to nana's house, the neighbour across the street had whipped them into a frenzy about what had likely happened to me on the bus. He told them it was mostly blacks and Hispanics on the bus and I could be in real trouble. He "gallantly" offered to drive us for the rest of the vacation.

On one of our drives, he had to swing by his dad's grocery store. Apparently, his dad owned several grocery stores in the poorest areas of Daytona. Being Canadian, I had never seen cashiers in bulletproof cages or a gun toting security guard.

Shoppers were being searched as they left the store. The whole vibe was one of distrust and the expectation of being robbed and yet, the robbery was coming from the store, not the shoppers. The prices were stunning. Milk was the highest price I'd seen. Hamburger was about double what it was out of that neighbourhood.

As we were leaving, the owners son pointed out a line of people at a specific cashier...he derisively told us "those people" were scamming the gov't by cashing in their food stamps for 1/2 the value in cash. It was completely lost on him that it was his father who was actually cheating the gov't, gaining double on all of those food stamps. When I asked about the higher than normal prices, he beamed and let us know that was why his dad was so smart. The people who live near the store have no choice. They live in an area where major chains won't go and they don't have cars or money to go shopping anywhere else so his dad could charge what he wanted.

When I was watching CNN today, with people breaking into check cashing stores and destroying them, I was reminded of that grocery store. Check cashing stores, rental furniture stores and other stores that take advantage of disadvantage and abject poverty targeted those in the area long before they became targets.



... A few days ago, I went to lunch with my son and I was telling him about Desmond Cole's article in Toronto Life, The Skin I'm In. I told him how insane it was that Desmond had been stopped by police more than 50 times. My son surprised me by telling me he's been carded several times in Toronto and Waterloo. He also said the only times it's happened was when he was with friends who aren't white. He said it's a common occurrence for those friends to be carded or stopped for no reason while driving. One of his friends told him he considered getting dreds but he didn't want to put up with the hassle...from police.

As a white liberal, it's sometimes easy to believe that things have changed/are changing but for us, nothing had to change, my husband and I have never been stopped by the police, we never worry when crossing the border, people never clutch their purses or cross the street when they see us approaching. My sons friends are amazing, university educated, funny young adults anyone would want their kid hanging out with but to the police, they are too often (and once is too often) reduced to the colour of their skin. I wish I had answers instead of anger.

Almost #BeenRapedNeverReported & flirting @ the office

I was 18 and still a virgin. I was careful about who I dated and had dated a number of wonderful guys to that point. I was invited to a party at the home of a friend from my grade school days and when I met a guy at her party, he came highly recommended so I accepted a date to the drive in. We got there nice and early and walked around talking and spotting people we knew and it was pleasant. At one point, he held my hand, also pleasant. We grabbed popcorn and went back to his car (a very old wagon) and the movie started almost at the same time he did. He dived in for a grope and I explained the he was under the wrong impression. He laughed and said "one of us is" and I smiled and agreed. That was when he reached down and pulled out a butcher knife. "Get in the back bitch"

I know there was a moment when I didn't believe he was serious, there was a moment when the breath left me and finally there was a moment when I turned to him and kicked him with my red leather cowboy boot as I struggled with the door. I literally fell out of the car and rolled as he started it up and drove away calling me names as he did so. Apparently, I was a cock tease.

I found some friends (amazing male friends) and they took me right home. I later found out that my assailant had somehow fallen down a ravine and broken two legs and an arm (a feat that apparently took three "falls").
I didn't report it.
I blamed myself.
I might have sent the wrong signal.
I shouldn't have held his hand.
Maybe I was too flirty.

There's a song in the movie Grease that I always fast forward through...Stranded at the drive-in... It gives me the chills.

This morning, reading through the #BeenRapedNeverReported made me wonder about how often he got away with forcing girls into the back...is he still? 

I noticed another few comments about flirting at the office and I well remember the "flirting" I put up with as a new kid in the office just so I wouldn't get fired or be seen as a problem. I think if you're a 40 something superior flirting with a 20 something subordinate (male or female) you should understand that they likely aren't flirting back so much as protecting their jobs.

My first full time job was as a hostess in the Toronto airport First Class Lounge for Air Canada in the late 70's. We were told that when someone grabbed our butt, we were to pivot away but we were NOT allowed to mention it or ask them not to. One beefy Liberal MP with a penchant for wearing a cowboy hat never passed up a chance to grab a handful. Politicians were allowed free alcohol (all top shelf) and made shockingly frequent use of it which made them disgustingly flirty. There were also CBC staffers we all warned each other about.

I should note that both Joe Clark & Pierre Trudeau were lovely to serve. Neither asked for alcohol and both were always deep in paperwork while in the lounge...The other leader ...not so much. He once yelled at me for daring to tell him and the 12 guests he'd brought in for a drink that I could only serve coffee or tea on a Sunday. He blustered and actually asked me "do you know who I am?" Sadly, I did as up until that day, I was a member of his party.

My second job brought a new set of problems. I was a file clerk at the City of Brampton and there was an elderly man (probably 40-50 but I was early 20's) who made it his mission to listen for me to open the files, he would then creep out of his office when my back was turned and squeeze himself between me and my desk so his penis would drag against my ass. The first few times it happened, I didn't say anything. It was a great job for someone just out of school and I didn't want to make waves. After a few weeks, I asked him to stop. When he didn't, I went to my boss...his answer ..."that's just George". That was the last time I ever silently accepted a man touching me unless I asked.

I'm blessed with a life rich with the kind of men any woman would be lucky to have in their lives. I we'll know that 90% of men are good and caring people who would not put up with this nonsense if it happened to any woman they know (or didn't) so maybe it's time that all of these stories we have come out so our husbands, brothers and sons have their eyes opened.

I don't know a single woman who doesn't have a few of these stories at least.

Vitamin P

If you consider yourself to be a religious person, chances are you probably also consider yourself to be a spiritual one. According to Dr. Bohendra Doobay, a learned heart surgeon and Hindu priest, “spirituality has nothing to do with religion.” A religious person may not be truly spiritual and a spiritual person doesn’t have to be religious. Many people who never see the inside of a church, mosque or temple are far more loving, kind and temperate than some who are deeply and faithfully religious.

“I am not bothered by the fact that I am unknown. I am bothered when I do not know others.” - Confucius

Dr. Doobay defines spirituality as “the quality of an individual and his humanness with the rest of creation, meaning the environment, atmosphere, earth and animals – not just other people.” A spiritual person understands the impact of their deeds and actions and that both their kindnesses and thoughtless moments will have an effect.

“If people become better Hindus, better Muslims, better Buddhists by our acts of love, then there is something else growing there.” – Mother Theresa

“We all have our spiritual deficiencies,” says Dr. Doobay, “and to overcome those, we first have to admit our faults to ourselves. Then, we must work on our faults.” He doesn’t have the perfect prescription for accomplishing this, but is an enthusiastic advocate of “Vitamin P”. The doctor believes that living in and enjoying the Present is a way to appreciate our blessings and to keep negative memories and future worries from blinding us to the small and wonderful moments we pass through every day of our lives. We should look back long enough to learn and look forward to plan and dream and the rest of the day should be spent in the moment.

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.” - Buddha

The doctor sees the human ego as the biggest hindrance to finding true peace and spirituality. To gain true spirituality, a person must be “accommodating”. Spirituality demands outreach and empathy and often it can take us out of our comfort zones, unlike the atmosphere of a particular faith where one is surrounded by people of like minds.Many religions will organize planned occasions for giving or helping in the community,but this is rarely enough to enrich a spiritual soul. Personal outreach to nourish your spirit should be done with a giving and loving heart with no regard for reward or recognition.

“A man's true wealth here after is the good he does in this world to his fellow man.” - Muhammad

“Man’s inhumanity to man is getting worse on a daily basis, especially when we see the leaders of nations encouraging wars.” Dr. Doobay allows. “People suffer in many ways from wars and it’s not just the obvious ways. There is a lack of good health care and education because so much money is spent on war.”  With this in mind, Dr. Doobay has incorporated spirituality, peace and religion in a project that is the first of its kind in North America, The Canadian Museum of Hindu Civilization and a permanent installation in the museum, the Wall of Peace. The wall contains busts or representations and written profiles of personalities of all religions that speak of peace, and includes Buddha, Jesus Christ, Judaism and Islam. It also includes busts of three men who are known for their peaceful movements: Ghandi, Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King. All three were true spiritualists and understood that the selfless work of one person can inspire and effect great change.

“Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.” – Martin Luther King

To become a more spiritual person is a daily process that takes a conscious effort to increase awareness of the world around you. Taking time out from the hectic pressures of life in order to enjoy every bite of food we eat and to understand the blessing it is to go a day without hunger is a step to spirituality. Opening your eyes to every person you pass in the course of your day and to the state of the small part of the world you inhabit and then expanding your view to take in the people you don’t pass and the part of the world you’ve never travelled will enrich your spiritual self. A true spiritual person needs very little to be happy in this life and is able to give more to the world around them because they find joy and pleasure in every experience and they appreciate the gifts already in their lives without having a driving need for “things”.

“Everyone should be able to eat to his fill, at least for one day. There should be at least one day when hospitals see no one admitted due to violence. By doing selfless service for at least one day, everyone should help the poor and needy.” - Mata Amritanandamayi Devi (Amma)

Embracing spirituality enhances people of every faith and belief system. It brings together people who might otherwise have been driven apart by religious or cultural differences. True spirituality is the path to peace both within us and within our world.

“We must be prepared to make the same heroic sacrifices for the cause of peace that we make ungrudgingly for the cause of war.” – Albert Einstein

The Memory Box

The Memory Box 

(published in Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul II as "Cards for Mom")

I'd lost my dad three years earlier and my mom was visiting for what I suspected would be the last time. We still were hoping that there'd be a rally. We thought she might be able to beat brain cancer the way she'd beaten lung cancer, but we weren't nearly as confident. My "white tornado" of a mother, so named because the cleaning product ad reminded us of her whirlwind energy, was suddenly weak. She was becoming accepting instead of the angry warrior that I'd known through her first battle. I recognized the signs because I'd too recently been through it with dad. 

Mom pulled a box from her suitcase just before she left and she handed it to me, asking me not to open it for a few months. I knew what she was asking and I braved out the next few hours with her, only cracking as she drove away. The tears seemed to flow from then until Christmas Eve, the call that she was gone came just as we were leaving to drive the 7 hours it would take to be by her side. I'd seen her dozens of times since she'd left the box for me. We'd talked about everything but what was happening. The week of Christmas passed in a blur. My sisters and I all tried to salvage the holiday for our children even as we were coming to terms with the fact that we no longer would be able to lean on the strength of our parents. 

I'd been home for several weeks before I even remembered the box...a few more weeks before I could bring myself to open it. I steeled myself with a cup of tea (the panacea of all Scottish girls) and sat cross-legged on the floor to open the battered blue file box that my mother had left to me. 

My mother, the same one who'd incurred my wrath as a teenager for indiscriminately throwing out my treasures, had saved every card we'd ever sent to her. The card on top was a recent one, a get well card from her time in the hospice while she'd been battling her first cancer. It was from my sister and inside she'd written a note about how much it had meant to her that we'd been there for her and with her. It made me cry to see her spidery writing reach out to me from the card. I dug to the middle of the box and came up with an anniversary card from another sister who was 16 when it was sent. My heart skipped as I saw that there was a note written in my mother's bolder hand. "Hen, I'm looking at you and Terry and feeling so proud of what a beautiful woman you're becoming. Seeing you with your first boyfriend makes me look forward to the day when I'm sending you anniversary cards too" 

Hen was an endearment that I'd heard a thousand times. Her reserved Scottish upbringing kept her from lavishing praise out loud, yet every card, from the fanciest store-bought to the childish drawings, was etched with my mom's hopes and dreams for us. 

More than that, there were the words she rarely expressed to us in life. She was proud of us. We'd always known she loved us, but in her urgency to see us succeed and surpass her goals for us, she'd push and nag and kvetch. I was suddenly hungry to see my own cards. I quickly found one and sobbed as over and over my mom told me I was beautiful and smart and funny. She wrote about how much it meant to her that I chose cards that were so beautiful and then put my own lovely words on them. She told me she wished she could express herself as well as I could. I wish I could have told her how the way she expressed herself on every card would hold her 4 daughters through some of the hardest days of their lives. 

I could see evidence of her own tears on the card that was signed by her first grandchild. I read of her joy as each of us married the men who would become the sons of her heart. I laughed as she shared her worries for us in a voice I could hear as loudly as if she were standing next to me. I whispered my thanks that she'd left behind a more lasting legacy than anything else she could have done. 

The blue box is much lighter now that I've given the appropriate cards to each of my sisters but there's a new layer that's being added to on every holiday. Every card that I receive is being added along with my own heartfelt words and my vow that I'll say those words out loud as often as I should and that I'll also leave them behind so they can buoy my loved ones up when I'm gone the way my mother's words have for me.

Think Outside the Church

"We must stop confusing religion and spirituality. Religion is a set of rules, regulations, and rituals created by humans, which were supposed to help people to grow spiritually. Due to human imperfection religion has become corrupt, political, divisive, and a tool for power struggle. Spirituality is not theology or ideology. It is simply a way of life, pure and original as was given by the Most High of Creation. Spirituality is a network linking us to the Most High, the universe and each other. As the essence of our existence, it embodies our culture, true identity, nationhood, and destiny." - Haile Selassie

Until very recently, when people looked at a quaking aspen tree, they saw a single entity without understanding that they were actually looking at one of the largest single organisms in the world. In the Wasatch Mountains of Utah, is a stand of aspens that weighs over 6000 tons and is one giant root system spread over 107 acres of land with over 45,000 stems. The roots actively send up shoots to look for opportunities for growth. The individual “stems” support the entire organism by moving nutrients where needed throughout the stand. If one area is lacking water, it is moved through the roots from another area and the nutrients in a rich area are moved to less fertile grounds. Mankind could take a lesson from the aspen.

If we were to look at our fellow man as part of our own organism and made a conscious effort to open our minds to our similarities instead of allowing our slight differences to be magnified untilthey separate us, we might become more tolerant of those differences. Religion is one of the major ways in which we allow ourselves to become separated.

Unfortunately, churches tend to dwell more on how we are different than how we are the same. Inan effort to be the “true” faith, too many religions have taught their followers that those of differing beliefs are wrong, instead of focusing on how very similar the major faiths of the world really are.Most of the major religions have broken into many different denominations or sects espousingslightly differing beliefs. Often the split into a denomination is to accommodate the ways in which the faithful are different. Many houses of worship hold people of similar colours, nationalities or socio-economic levels.

For the majority of people in the world, the religion they are born into is the religion they will claim for the rest of their lives. Children will be introduced to the God of their birth by their parents and handed over to the leaders of their church, mosque, temple, synagogue to be indoctrinated even more deeply. The religion “fits” them because the people in that religion are familiar and comfortable. The teachings of most of the major religions preach that spiritual enlightenment is to be attained only through their path. If we ever are to live in harmony, we all must worship in the way that works for us but we must also accept and appreciate the way in which others express their faith.

We all know people with great belief in their God who don’t have belief in themselves. To put your faith in the hands of God without taking the responsibility to live a life that is open to all of the possibilities and joy it has to offer is to limit yourself in a way that shows great disrespect for the faith of your choice. There is the possibility of joy in every aspect of our lives and it is important to appreciate and seek out the simple pleasures and blessings that make up every day. It is equally important to be open to opportunities by banishing negative expectations to make space for the positive.

Nourishing our spiritual needs is separate from religion. It’s not enough to believe in a higher power, one must also believe in their own higher power. Happiness and fulfillment is a choice that we must make. A person who does not believe they deserve to be happy will not be happy. A person who does not believe they are worthy of emotional and spiritual fulfillment will not be fulfilled. A person who does not believe in the good in others will not find it.

Examining the blessings in your life and seeing the negative aspects in your life as learning and growing experiences is one step on the path to spirituality. Understanding that we each have a responsibility to our fellow man is another step. It’s not enough to take what we want from this life;we also have to appreciate what we take and we have to give back. Offering up a smile to others will bring a multitude of smiles your way. Being a good and valued friend will bring friendships that last a lifetime. Remembering to share your blessings with your greater community will make you a part of your community.

Every person we meet is an opportunity for learning, understanding and personal growth. Being aware that our own positive actions are what will bring us positive reactions moves us forward in our spiritual life. We must sew what we want to reap. It’s not surprising that this is an important recurring theme in every major religion. We must balance our wants with our needs. There should be nourishment for the body and the soul in all of our lives because our mental state influences and affects our physical well being. It’s not enough to eat all of the right foods and to exercise the body; the mind and spirit also has to be exercised. Setting aside time each day to reflect and regenerate, seeking out laughter and light and nurturing our own happiness and comfort makes each of us more ready to give happiness and comfort to others.

Just like the roots under the aspen trees, our spirituality is what links us to “the Most High, the universe and each other.”

Spiritual Searching

Spiritual Searching

In today’s hectic world, most of us have every waking minute overcrowded with work, parenting, activities, commuting, exercising and running from one life event to the next. Leisure time is often filled with noise or distraction and the opportunities for quiet reflection are few unless we make it a priority in our lives. We’ve become such a goal oriented society that we lose the journey in our dash to the finish line and the first things to be sacrificed are the things we do for ourselves.

Any good accountant knows about the practice of paying yourself first and the theory of time management is very similar to that of money management. Taking time for yourself first will put you in a frame of mind to be able to give the energy needed to all of the urgent challenges set before you every day. Stealing fifteen minutes from each day’sactivities to breathe, reflect and be still will help to calm the rush of everyday living and bring you back to your center. It’s too easy to put off the small things that we need to do for ourselves. They get lost in the frenzy of our “to-do” lists and in the background track we choose to accompany our activities.

“Program yourself for a happy day.” - Elizabeth Burns

If you don’t have time to carve out structured periods to reflect and meditate, you can fit in small pockets of meditation that won’t intrude on your schedule just by being conscious and aware of your breathing and your surroundings. Many of the activities we perform without thinking can become opportunities for contemplation and growth.

In less time than it takes to brush your teeth, you can begin and end your day with a beneficial attitude that will carry you through. The first few minutes of wakefulness are the most important in shaping your outlook and creating positive or negative feelings. Upon waking, take a moment to reflect on any dreams you may have had and to pull the most pleasurable aspects of your life forward to put you in a happy frame of mind. The last thoughts you have just prior to sleeping are the ones that mold your dreams so consciously thinking about goals, hopes and aspirations will move those into your subconscious.

You can utilize the moments at the stop light or during commercials while watching your favourite television shows to either reflect or to take notice of and regulate each breath. During meals, practice “conscious eating” to use all of your senses with each morsel of food. Experience the scent, texture and taste of the food and notice the differences each bite brings. Showering is a perfect place to examine the negatives in your life and to feel them flow away with the water. Actually paying attention to the process of cleansing will help you to release the detritus in your mind as well as on your body.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. - Lao-tzu

Reintroduce yourself to your spirit, gradually, on a daily basis. Give yourself the greatest reward, discover yourself and spend time and energy on the process. In this day and age, every resource a person can imagine is usually right at their fingertips on the internet and the tools for enhancing, finding; expanding ones spirituality is not an exception. There are a wealth of communities, help sites, information and guidance sites that can aid anyone from the novice to a serious student of spiritual thinking and living.

A Google search on the topic of Spirituality yields 84,600,000 results, the following websites are just a small sampling of what is available:

The Learning Meditation website is an excellent choice for beginners who wish to learn to meditate. You can enter the sites Meditation Room and listen to a guide who walks you through simple 3 – 10 minute meditations or you can read the text while listening to music that calms you. Each exercise is spoken in a soothing tone and will help beginners concentrate on breathing. The samples cover a diverse range of subjects from reducing stress to fulfilling your potential.